Embers

A few weeks ago, when my Kidlet got home from camping for a week, she asked to go again. We haven't gone for two years, and, by ourselves, for even longer than that. Still, I went camping almost every weekend as a kid - so how can I say no? I did insist on bringing the cot ...

We also brought along one of her friends; they do well at entertaining each other.

We headed to Mt. Rainier, to the Sunrise side and a campground I had never been to, but one that doesn't take reservations, so might actually have an opening (it did). As soon as we hit the forest it smelled like home - or close. I realized how much I had missed this.

I managed to forget the can opener, so we ate "in town" the first night, then went back to camp to sit around the fire. They went off to explore while I built it. Or tried. When they got back about a half hour later, it was smoking. While it's said "where there's smoke, there's fire", I have often found the opposite to be the case. We turned in - the girls a little disappointed and me a little frustrated.

You see, I used to be able to start a fire anywhere, with any wood, and to cook really well on one. Not only did we camp a lot, I was a girl scout. And we had lots of power outages - but we had a fireplace. So I learned to build a fire and cook on it. My ex, however, felt she was the fire expert, and that I was incompetent - completely unable to start a fire, or even to keep one going. That wasn't the only thing I was incompetent with, of course - that list is endless, but it was the only thing I was dealing with that night. After 23 years, some part of me believed she was right. But not all of me.

None of us slept well, so I was up at five a.m. While the girls managed to get a few more hours of sleep, I tried the fire again. This time it lit. Easily. Like I had been doing this all my life. Like maybe, just maybe, I was capable. Of course, I took a picture to prove it to my Kidlet and her friend. And after buying a can opener, I did it again, even faster this time, and cooked dinner on it. And kept it from going out until we were ready to go to bed.

I've recovered a lot from the emotional abuse, the constant sense of incompetence, and I hadn't really expected this to happen. Which just shows how long ideas can stay with you, and tear you down. But it also shows that as long as the embers of the person you were before being beaten down by someone else's image of you are there, you can be that person again. You just need to encourage yourself a bit, blow on the embers, to release those skills.

Here's to starting a few of the right fires, and having the time to spend with my daughter ...