Merlin

T.H. White portrayed Merlin as a person who "lived backwards" - he could foretell the future because he had already been there. He also aged backwards, a bit like Benjamin Button.

Lately I have been feeling a little Merlin-esque. Life seems to be repeating itself, even as it moves forward.

My first cats were really kittens given to my sister, who promptly went to college. This left them for me to claim. She named them Lancelot and Arthur, and I started reading about Camelot. We lived in the country and Lancelot was taken by a coyote or owl - he just never came home one time. Arthur died of feline leukemia. But by that time I had other cats, too - Tiger and Elizabeth.

When I was a little older than my daughter, my father died and my mother was placed in a nursing home. I lost the home I loved, and all of my four-legged support network: my dogs, cats and horses. My human support network was, as has been true through out my life, incredible. My good friend Jenny offered to take my last cat in - I still remember sobbing as I drove Elizabeth to her house. I moved on, moved to Lynnwood, met more great friends, and got cats. Usually I had a pair at the same time. The last of these were Zeus and Katie.

Fast forward thirty years, and here I am again: moving to Lynnwood. There are several reasons for this - not the least of which is the current economic downturn and my lack of a job. Because of that, I need to cut expenses. My girlfriend, with whom I would have been living probably a year ago, has severe allergies to cats. So we had worked out a way to see each other, but not at my place. With a job, this might have continued. But I have to move, and that means goodbye to the cats.

Instead of sobbing on my way to Jenny's, I have pretty much been sobbing for weeks over this. I had Katie for seven years. When I came back from the hospital after the bout with TENS, Katie was there. Unlike the dog, who didn't recognize me, she immediately knew who I was and threw herself at me. Through rehabilitation, through my escape from my 22 year relationship and independence, Katie was there. She could be crabby - purring and rubbing against you until she was done and decided to bite you. But she was a devoted, loving friend. And hey, though dogs may be our best friends, Katie at least remembered me. Zeus came after I moved out. The Kidlet wanted another cat, and in the new place, we could get one. We looked a few places, ending up at the same shelter where we got Katie. There was a beautiful, long-haired blue and white cat named Zeus. My dream cat was always a big lovable fur ball - until I met Zeus my actual cats were small, possibly medium, sometimes very lovable fur balls. I was smitten - we took him home. He had tufts of fur between his toes, could open doors and loved to play. My dream cat.

Since I am older now, there really were no friends who could beg their parents into taking in another cat or two. Sunday I took them both back to Animal Talk Rescue, where I had found them. I know they will be well-taken care of and loved, and maybe I can visit them. But I can't help feeling like I have lived this before.

But even if I am living backwards - between the cats and moving back to the city where I graduated from high school, it does seem that way - I am also moving forward. Last week I was accepted into graduate school for psychology. This December I will finish my bachelor's degree (another case of going backwards to move forward). It's possible that I may still be hired, possibly by someone I hired, or by the same theatre that I used to work at. So there is still two steps forward for the one back.

But I can't help feeling like Merlin - living in both directions at the same time. as long as I don't end up trapped in a cave - that would really suck.







Zeus, my handsome boy.





And Katie, the queen of curiosity.